You Belong.
Can I tell you a secret story?
I recall having to ask myself Why am I acting like this?, Why do I feel this way?, Why can't I react or act like how other people would act or react?, Why am I so different??... I do not remember exactly when and about the number of times, I can simply say I have lost count of it for its more than countless time that I had all those questions running inside my head at a single time! How frustrating!
It was indeed frustrating to me! I wanted to understand the reasons, I wanted to get an answer to all my questions immediately, too soon, and almost too very soon that it increased my frustration than reducing it. Little did I know it will take me years and almost forever to accept, to learn, and to honor the different me!
And then I thought I am a misfit, I didn't find me among the place I was, I didn't find me in places I have been, I haven't found me where I am either.
I remember I was In my second year of Secondary level, after living with the questions in my head throughout my higher primary years, of which they became intense when I was in the first year of same level, I was literally young (around 10-12 years old), I had one more additional question of which if I could ask the adults I don't know what could they think about me, and probably shut me down for technically I almost had no rights (I could tell) to speak anything relating to having difficulties and I was almost thinking that I was having a difficult life and the people around me couldn't understand why should I think that way for there was almost nothing essential or necessary that I was missing or lacking.
I got all my basic needs, about the non-basic need I think I got enough of my share, as much that my parents could afford, but yet my life was being difficult and hard.
My question was as simple as "Do these adults really think that children do not have any difficulties?"
I couldn't help it thinking because in all their context they only spoke about their wish and desire for going back to be a child again were they didn't have to worry a thing about their lives, and there was I, young enough as per their desire, the child they adore and wish to get back to, worried about everything especially concerning me.
My concern was Solo, my major source of frustration was One, and it summed up to a single question "WHO AM I?"
I wished I could exchange position with them, for I knew they had their direction found, they knew what they want, they knew who they are as I thought!
I couldn't imagine how my adulthood would be without solutions and answers to that question, I was having trouble to think how would I be able to relate with others, how will I be able to interact?
While I was having trouble even to speak or say anything! I thought I wouldn't survive.
So in the year 2014, I decided to search, find and learn about myself! I didn't know how long it will take, I didn't keep the time limit of when I wanted to finish knowing about me for indeed I was certain there was a lot to be learned for I was almost in everything different from the rest.
I thank God, He created me with this hope thing I cannot explain, I always hope for the better without any doubt added to it, I hoped I would one day be able to understand myself and be able to explain at least why I feel different. It gave me hope, off I went carrying the hope with me, some days the hope carried me, and then I survived and I am still surviving.
From there I kept Learning, I kept Accepting but most of all I did both, Learned to Accept the difference. And as I have said, I am still yearning to be a better person every day, and yet still I learn, unlearn and re-learn about myself every day.
End of the secret surface information.
But then, my point is simple, after I decided to learn about myself after I decided to know about me everything changed, and many things made sense, it makes me the way I am today, confident and happy to be different but happier that I at least I know that I am unique and it's what makes me different and whenever I act differently maybe because I couldn't help it acting that way, whatever people may think or say does not frustrate me, at least I know I am not harmful and I can't do bad things to others maybe if they just want to make trouble with me. So I can simply say I am a happy person and the major reason for my happiness rest in knowing who I am and more in knowing who I am to GOD (even if I forget who I am, of which sometimes I do but all in all I never wish to forget who I am to GOD for it's the most comforting thing to know all the time)
Soo, in the process I happened to learn about personalities, it's not that we were taught in class, I just had a personal interest in knowing about them, I did a lot of tests just to check on different things basing on personality and haha! I even did an IQ test just to check if I am at all that smart! (I have never considered myself one! I just think everyone is equally smart, only that they have not decided to put their brain into use). Here are some of them I can remember, all of them are free tests, I googled and did them online…
- The Introvert or Extrovert test
This just gave me the surface information, about who and how each act and react and maybe their general behavior
- The four temperaments test
These are based on Melancholic, Sanguine, Phlegmatic, and Choleric (I will share the link I used, I hope the website is still on for a long time has passed now.)
- The ABCD and H types of personality
These I didn't do a test for them, I just did read about them
- The 16 type personality test.
These are based on MBTI, I think they are more specific and well detailed, at first I did the test on a certain book where they had explained about them, and then when I got home during the holiday I started finding better online tests for them. I did a lot of tests, but I found this one which has a better explanation and also I think it takes consideration of a lot of things about self and I can say it's more effective. (Here is the link I used for this test, I recommend it, https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test)
- The zodiacs
Well, this I just thought of considering them this year, I have been seeing them around but I have never been interested in them, they speak about what your birthdate and stars and planets in short strange things that's why I never used to consider them, but this year I decided to read about my sign, not very bad, they have said some important points too.
Something tricky about these tests and the explanations that comes with them is that they may not completely apply to you, maybe some points may apply. As for me I didn't go there and learned everything about myself and accepted nor did I want to accept about somethings, and to some things, they did apply to me to the point I was also shocked and many things started making sense, at least I felt belonging to planet Earth, for sometimes I felt an intense sense of not belonging to a point I even thought I didn't have a place on Earth. After I found things that apply to me after I found some of the things that trouble my mind talked about, things made sense, and it helped me to learn that am not alone all by myself as I even doubted if at all there are people like me out there. After then I knew at least one or two people out there feeling and experiencing what I was having trouble to understand.
Now am not telling you to go and take everything the internet says about your personality per their explanations, somethings are logically not good to do, I hope you can do the sorting, something we do unknowingly and maybe we will catch ourselves doing them after knowing about them, or maybe we remember doing them, if they are bad just abandon them, if the internet is saying something bad about your personality, abandon it, you don't have to take it, leave it to them! Take the good, I mean, consider the good, and if you see some bad kinds of stuff are mentioned and truly they do apply to you let them go, but if you see some suggestion of behavior accordingly to your personality is being suggested and they are not good, and maybe at one time in life you find yourself in such a situation, please don't apply them just because they are who you are! NO I mean just because you found out the internet has defined your kind that way and you might want to apply them just because it a part of who you have just found out you are! haha!! NO PLEASE! Just stick to the good things. You may as well take a step further to know the good things about what other personalities do! You may as well consider knowing what other people are as per your interest, understanding Human Behavior.
To me, I also think it is important to know the personality of who you work with so that you can avoid any unnecessary misunderstanding that may arise due to difference in personality, I prefer knowing and understanding the people I work with first before being ready to interact with them fully so that I could simply not cross their boundaries and also protect myself. I think if I open up my office or if I come up with my startup, I will make sure I have my employee do the personality test as part and parcel of being and staying at the office. Haha!
Having knowing at least 50% about me. It gives me hope. I am now having a new worry, not totally new but I just didn't choose to prioritize it by then for it could add more worries to my frustration to maybe get me into the depth of depression I may have not been able to escape. My new source of frustration is "Knowing My Purpose!"
I hope you read and consider every word with special heaviness! I also hope it's not a boring story to tell and learn from! And don't forget this is my secret stuff! Haha!
Scripture from 2016.
Yours,
Litopencil.
